I’ve been feeling heavy lately and our scales had decided to give up on me so tonight we decided to go and buy some new ones. Seemed like the logical thing to do. The right thing to do. It had been a couple of months since I have been able to weigh myself so every time we went to an appointment at the clinic and they would say “so Carla how much do you currently weigh?” I would respond with “oh you know, the same as last time”. Well I was wrong, very wrong.
We made our way into trusty old Kmart tonight because let’s face it, we love that place and will use any excuse to go there. I made my way to get some scales whilst Anna went to find a new bra (oh la la). I really couldn’t help myself, I saw an open scale sitting there on the shelf so I decided there and then that it would be a great time to weigh myself. Well what a big mistake that was. Cue shopping centre meltdown – adult style. I couldn’t believe the number I saw there in front of me. I’ve put on 10 kilos since I last weighed myself at the beginning of all the IVF treatment. It was a shock. I was in shock. I jumped off and jumped back on again to make sure the digital number was no lie. Sadly, it wasn’t. I walked around in a haze until I found Anna to break the bad news to her. I felt devastated and like I had lost complete control of my body. How did I let this happen? How could I have been so foolish to think that because I couldn’t see the scales going up it meant they actually wouldn’t be.
We left the shop and I bounced between being determined to lose the weight I had gained and feeling completely sorry for myself. I went back and forth between those two emotions about 20 times on the way back to the car.. which was a 5 min walk. I also tried to convince myself it wasn’t that bad. I tried to calculate the weight of my jeans, my jumper, my shoes.. it was all adding up to several kilos in my head but I knew I was only kidding myself. I even went as low as to thinking about how much lighter I would be after going to the bathroom. I know, that’s absolutely terrible and not a healthy view on it all. Anyway my obsession with the weight I had just found I had gained continued all the way home. I told Anna that I didn’t want to try and get pregnant again until I kicked some of that weight off. Really I have approx 4 weeks before it’s show time for me so surely I could make some serious progress in that time?! Right?!
I got home and decided that I should weight myself on the scales that we had just bought so that I knew where I was starting from. They say the worst time to weigh yourself is at night but that didn’t stop me. I stripped off down to my underwear (after taking a pit stop through the toilet) and weighed myself again. To my disappointment I had only lost 600g. All the extra weight that I thought I had removed made very little difference.
Now I’m sitting in bed and going back and forth between emotions again. I know I can lose that weight again but in my head it’s a set back. I’m supposed to be getting as healthy as possible before carrying a baby not putting weight on. I’m going backwards. Tomorrow is a new day and all I can do is carry on and focus on being healthy. I will lose the weight and then hopefully only find my tummy growing from a baby and not because of fat that is kindly clinging on for dear life!